Bill Burr Replies to Fans Online | Actually Me (2024)

That's what I look at social media like.

It's like, I'm just chasing the same people

they're trying to act like, Oh, you're still on Instagram?

It's like, you were on Instagram, you had a man bun,

you listened to emo, you rollerbladed.

You can just keep going back, right?

You had a Hulu.

Hey, what's up, GQ?

It's Bill Burr, and I'm going undercover

on the internet, huh?

Oh, it's actually me.

[keyboard clicking] [soft rhythmic music]

[keyboard clicking]

Don't you like that?

It's actually me, that sounds like the end

of one of the shows your wife watches.

[mouse clicking]

All right, here we go.

Can somebody help me identify

what type of Adidas sneakers Bill Burr is wearing?

Good question, those

are like the Bob Laniers? [keyboard clicking]

the Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

That's from, like, way back in the day.

Somewhere around the first Shaq shoe

that looked like an eye exam,

or some sort of weather forecast.

I was just like, I don't get what sneakers are anymore,

you know what I mean?

And then a few years later, there was the first Kobe

that was all squared off,

looking like the feet of robots, you know?

I think that was supposed to be like Robocop.

So, I've always liked [keyboard clicking]

the old ones, the Dr. Js, the Kareem's, you know?

[mouse clicking] Jesus Christ.

Look at this.

What do you think would get Bill mad enough

so that he cut off his ear like Van Gogh?

First of all, that painting is amazing,

and I'm not just saying that 'cause that's me.

Maybe it is, 'cause I actually look,

I look pretty wild in that.

Like, whoever did this, you are amazingly talented.

I might have to steal that look.

What would you make me mad enough to cut my ear off?

Nothing. [keyboard clicking]

[Bill chuckling]

I mean, I'm an asshole, but I'm not that crazy.

What is the prevent defense?

Non-American, after Googling it, I still don't get it.

Hey, after watching it for almost 40 years,

I don't f*cking get it.

Can someone explain it to me as if I'm five?

The prevent defense.

All right, on paper,

you're winning the game, [keyboard clicking]

there's a little amount of time left.

So, rather than getting up [hands clapping]

on the line and covering their receivers,

the receiver's the person you throw the ball to,

what they do is they [keyboard clicking]

give 'em a big cushion,

and allegedly protect the sidelines.

If you go out of bounds, the clock stops.

So, you basically just give them a 20-yard cushion.

I can't do metrics.

I don't know what that is. [keyboard clicking]

What's supposed to happen is you tackle them,

and before they go down the field and score,

the clock runs out.

That never happens. [keyboard clicking]

What happens is they just get 20-yard completions,

and go out of bounds,

and then every sh*t quarterback in the league

all of a sudden looks like Joe Montana.

All right, Star Wars, f*ckin' Star Wars, dude.

Nobody says, wicked awesome, they don't.

Can you buy these?

I don't think that you can. [keyboard clicking]

I have no idea,

but if you can, I know I don't make any money.

Now, on to Quora.

Quora sounds like some sort of chant you do

at a yoga class that you shouldn't have gone to.

Is Bill Burr a psychopath?

Well, I mean, if I was, I can't answer that.

You'd have to analyze me. [keyboard clicking]

What would you estimate Bill Burr's IQ?

I would take the under on that one.

Why is Bill Burr referred to as a comedian's comedian?

You know why, 'cause I do my f*cking time.

I don't burn the light,

that's why. [keyboard clicking]

If I'm supposed to do 15 minutes, I do 15 minutes.

If I pop in, I'm not gonna go in and burn the light,

and lean on the mic stand, and be like,

Yes, what else is going on?

And just standing up there, being a f*cking asshole.

I mean, I'm a nice guy, [keyboard clicking]

I try to be, you know, people would debate that,

but, you know... [mouse clicking]

What is the life of a Boston sports fan like?

It's awesome.

It's always been awesome.

Winning or losing, it's always been awesome,

because it is bigger [keyboard clicking]

than religion in Massachusetts.

People watch every game.

Like, when I lived there, you know,

and I had somebody to talk to, like,

I, like, when the Bruins had a season,

you just watched every game,

and then the Celtics were [keyboard clicking]

always great, the Patriots were fun.

Patriots were hilarious, it was just like,

we weren't really even in the league, you know?

We had this little guy on the side of our helmet,

we played in what looked like a high school

football stadium, none of it made sense.

We'd always come close, and then we would mess it up,

and then a guy named Bob Kraft bought the team,

and made three of the greatest coaching hires in a row.

Bill Parcells, Pete Carroll, and then Bill Belichick,

which is insane.

So, I have full faith on whoever the hell he hired next.

[Bill chuckling]

Look at me, all of a sudden, it's a sports show.

This is what it's like.

[mouse clicking] When is Bill Burr's

next special coming out?

Aren't there enough?

There aren't enough f*cking standup specials?

Jesus Christ, they put out one a week.

That's classic me, this person's like a fan,

they want to know when my next work,

and I take it as like a, you know,

Let's go, let's go, [hands clapping]

like, that's how I heard it, I'm learning.

When's my next special [keyboard clicking]

coming out, I don't know,

but I am shooting it this year,

and I'm not gonna lie to you,

I am having some of the best shows of my career.

[soft rhythmic music]


It's me, I don't have enough money for a stunt double.

Okay, How come John Lovitz looks exactly the same

as he did in 1993?

Oh, that's because his dad is a basset hound.

He comes from a long line of sad people,

and he's funny from a distance,

but if you get too close to him, that sadness comes on you.

He's a horrible human being. [keyboard clicking]

No, he's actually one of my favorite people

in this business.

That's not a good picture of him,

but they're not saying he looks bad.

I did all of that, didn't I?

Sorry, Jon, they're saying

you haven't aged? [keyboard clicking]

[Bill chuckling]

Oh, all right, Dr. Phil Live, Adam Ray,

unbelievably talented comedian.

All right, Is this really Dr. Phil?

I think he captures [keyboard clicking]

his essence.

Dr. Phil, you know, has to play, like,

a little, like, more humble on his actual show.

What I liked about the way Adam Ray does it,

you get more of Dr. Phil around the house,

where maybe, you know, every couple of hours,

he reminds his wife how much money he's making,

and how well she's being taken care of,

so, whatever it is that he's doing that she doesn't like,

she might want to think about bringing it up the next time.

What is this, How much football do you watch a week?

Oh yeah, yeah, that's back before I had kids.

I still had a little bit of hair.

I used to watch, you know, a one o'clock game,

a four o'clock game, and then a late game,

and then I would be, with the package,

I would be taping other games,

and then you already had a Monday night,

and you had a Thursday night game,

so, I'd have a Tuesday and a Wednesday game,

and a Friday game to watch during the week

that I had recorded,

and then on Saturday, I would watch college football.

Now, I have kids, and I don't know,

I'm always watching Bluey,

which is oddly, you know, really deep.

What are we doing here? [keyboard clicking]

I'm getting misty-eyed watching a cartoon.

All right, Twitter.

I love that we're still calling it Twitter, all right?

And that laminated asshole's gonna have to deal with it.

I like the letter X, [keyboard clicking]

do ya?

Who gives a f*ck?

I know he was added to the show ironically,

but man, someone give Bill Burr an Oscar

for that performance for chapter 15 of The Mandalorian.

Well, first of all, it's television,

so, you can't win an Oscar.

It's an Emmy. [keyboard clicking]

[Crew Member] We wanted you to say that so bad.

Do you know something what I wanna say so bad?

Somebody always says whenever I do something dumb,

they go, Oh, your buddy, a buddy of mine who died,

they go, Oh, he'd be rolling over in his grave right now,

and I always want to be like, He was cremated.

Who the brings up somebody's dead friend?

[mouse clicking] Thank you for watching

Star Wars. [laughs]

Okay, let me just read this here.

Donald Trump walked into an arena that holds 20,000 people,

and 19,999 people were so happy,

and then there was Bill Burr's wife.

Yeah, nd I love how people like, Oh, how can you do that?

It's like, well, he's racist.

He likes to sort of plagiarize some Hitler stuff

every once in a while, like, what is surprising

that a Black woman wouldn't like him?

I don't like the guy.

My wife giving him the finger [keyboard clicking]

is what I love about my wife.

You know where you stand with her,

and you can't say that about a lot of people.

So, when I say something around the house,

if she laughs, I know it's funny,

and then also, I know if it pisses her off,

I tell her I'm gonna put that in my act,

And she goes, Don't put that in your act.

I go, I'm absolutely...

If you say don't put it [keyboard clicking]

in the act, it goes in the f*cking act.

All right, let's go to YouTube and see

what you animals said.

I would pay money to see Bill

at a parent-teacher conference

or school function of any kind.

Dude, I don't act like the how I do on stage.

Oh no, I did have one incident, [laughs]

but we're friends now. [keyboard clicking]

Wikipedia, the poor man's encyclopedia.

On August 21st, 2022, Burr became the first comedian

to perform at Fenway Park in front of a sold out crowd

of around 35,000 people.

It was also the largest comedy show

in the history of Boston.

Well, I mean, I didn't count everybody. [chuckles]

[keyboard clicking]

[Bill laughing]

Yeah, it was unbelievable, and then once I got out there,

they just have, like, it's so figured out

with like, the sound and the big screens,

it was just like this giant comedy club.

Everybody was goes, Just make sure you take it in.

You can't take it in when you're doing standup.

It's like, tell a joke, bam, [palm slapping]

and then they're, like, waiting for the next one,

so I can't, [inhales] you know?

You know when Taylor Swift just takes in her crowd?

Yeah, you can't do that in standup. [chuckles]

Burr first performed standup comedy at the age of 23

on March 2nd, 1992, that is true.

There was a Find Boston's Funniest College Student Contest

at Nick's Comedy Stop, which is still there.

All I remember from the first night

is that I walked on stage,

forgot everything that I was gonna say,

but I remember reaching for the microphone,

and it felt like an out-of-body experience,

and I kind of knew in that moment

I had finally found what I wanted to do.

Like, 23 doesn't sound old to me now,

but 23, flailing when you're 23,

you feel kind of hopelessly behind,

and I had tried construction, landscaping,

warehousing, sales, I tried all of this stuff.

I was working in a dental office with my dad at that time,

and just none of it was...

I actually got my license to sell health insurance,

and that's how far down the wrong road I was going.

If I can give you guys any advice, you know,

'cause a lot of people have traumatic childhoods,

one of the hardest things to do and learn in life

is to listen to the voice inside of you,

'cause everybody else has been yelling at you

to, you know, not say what you're thinking, so,

and that will really steer you away

from what you want in life.

You have to really,

like, listen. [keyboard clicking]

[mouse clicking] Burr is a licensed

helicopter pilot and enjoys playing drums.

I love playing drums,

[mouse clicking]

and I love flying helicopters.

I absolutely love them, and I got involved in them

because of conspiracy theory.

Everybody thinks conspiracy theory is bad.

I was, you know, reading about the dollar,

and how there was nothing behind it,

and I was thinking, What if it collapsed?

How do you get outta LA?

You can't even get out of it when everybody believes

that there's gonna be food tomorrow,

and it just made sense, up and out, helicopter.

TikTok, I'm not on TikTok.

I do have Instagram, I was like, That's it.

Can we get you reading books in schools,

teach the kids some real life lessons,

and tell the hard truth about life?

Ha, ha, they need it.

I've done this, actually. [keyboard clicking]

Did I read books, no, it was like,

Jimi Hendrix Day or something like that,

Black History Month, so, they were doing something

for Jimi Hendrix, which is really stupid.

What, you're only gonna appreciate Jimi Hendrix

in f*cking February?

Is he not good in April? [keyboard clicking]

[mouse clicking] Let's just plow ahead here.

There's no way you lose when you go after a dream.

No, you don't, 'cause it leads you to a better place,

and the the lessons that you learn.

Sometimes, going after a dream,

you find out that that's not even what you wanted.

Like, that's not gonna be this phantom itch

you're never gonna be able to scratch,

'cause you tried it, and you're like, Hey, you know what?

This isn't for me.

Your dream changes, too.

I started in '92, and being a comedian, and being famous,

what that was in 1992 before, you know,

mainstream internet, and cell phones and all that.

It went from something [keyboard clicking]

that seemed cool to, like, ugh,

like, maybe, you know, not so much.

Became like truffle oil.

Remember, that was like a big f*cking thing?

They just put that in everything,

it was just like, it was too much.

Prosperity is never guaranteed regardless,

so, why not fail at what you love

rather than fail at something you don't care about?

All right, I don't understand why they had

to jump on what I said.

That's like a big thing, like, on Instagram.

Like, somebody's doing something, and all of a sudden,

your f*cking head is just sitting there,

and, like, it's like this person's playing

an amazing guitar solo.

I can't enjoy it unless I see what your reaction is?

That's a major red flag for a narcissist,

which is something you need to learn to recognize.

Okay, that's it, I'm signing off the internet.

Closing the laptop.

Thank you guys for taking the time to write in.

I had a good time, I hope you did too.

[soft rhythmic music]

Bill Burr Replies to Fans Online | Actually Me (2024)
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